Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

Saturday

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells