Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Febuary everyone!

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

two people or more is called a problem

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

nice challenge

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.