Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

this has done me in for some reason

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.