Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!