if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Sex so good you see dead people.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…