if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.