Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

choose your gary

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.