If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
You Might Also Like
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Golf would be better with landmines.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”