If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs