Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Tuesday

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?