Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you milk an almond?

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.