Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.