Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers