If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
see next tweet for some translations
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now