If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
scares
