If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
me opening up to someone
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.