Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”