If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?