Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

God has abandoned us.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Matthew was born for this.

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.