If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Wait a minute
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.