If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
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These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I thought this was funny lol
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.