Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here