If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.