Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog