If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
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Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord