If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
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Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Clients after you give them your rates
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.