If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.