If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
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Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.