Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

grandparents are too precious for this world

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

Monday Lisa

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky