If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.