If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Sunday
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
🤣could you imagine
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.