if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I am patiently waiting for your email
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
