if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.