Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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