Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.