If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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Worst perfume name ever.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I need a long hot meteor shower
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.