Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Accurate

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?