If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.