If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

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It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.


“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja



H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.


MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.



ME: Mocktopus.


You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*


Me: Did you play video games all day?

9: No

Me: What else did you do?

9: I ate lunch


I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.


Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.


6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.