It was awkward to see the “World’s Greatest Driver” bumper sticker on my car when it got pulled out of the lake today.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: Did you play video games all day?
Me: What else did you do?
9: I ate lunch
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.