If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet