If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
