If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:


ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor


I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
The top ans was
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!


I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.


If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”


This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.


I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.


God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.


*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*



It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.