@Maxine12333

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

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@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

@contradiction70

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

@Burtslorp

WHAT DO WE WANT?

Migraine relief.

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Yell again & they’ll never find your body.

@CarpentersCrack

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

@ACartoonCat

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

@ClearlyUnwell

I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.

@RunOldMan

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@craiguito

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”