If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Most fashion shows these days…
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.