If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

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HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.


I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.



Migraine relief.


Yell again & they’ll never find your body.


Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.


Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues


I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.


I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.


[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-


[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”