Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

Hot Hot Hot

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

Overindulged this afternoon.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver