If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy