Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.