Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…