If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
there has never been a better use of this meme
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO