If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
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🤣🤣💀
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!