If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*