Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.