Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back