Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

My favorite farside!!

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..