Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

sigh

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Natural selection at its finest

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

He a real one for that

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister