if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
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I just tested negative for patience.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
sin harder.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail