Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

*puts words between two asterisks*

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*