If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
“I’m helping” 😅
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”