Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

😭😭

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

I am absolutely never leaving this website

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Blocked: 1985

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

tinder is all about the long game

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.