Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

sugar glider wrangler

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters