Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

i can’t wait that long

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.