If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Anime is real
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)