Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Lucky old June.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Found my door mat

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Swedish for common sense.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.