If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My patience has stretch marks.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
A great first step 😂
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!