If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
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birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
this is uni
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.