Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.