Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!