If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors