If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.