Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.