@DrakeGatsby: If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
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@JermHimselfish: I don't understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
@ThinkingSavage: Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
@murrman5: "do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?" no, try using your phone [throws phone and hits wasp nest] *running* I meant google it
@slimmy_shady: Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."