If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
You Might Also Like
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster