If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive