If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
i think both sides are to blame here
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
any last words?
…u ok Nintendo?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.