Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.